Cuba

There are two kinds of people at Guantanamo, the guests and the ‘guards’, looking out for your welfare 24/7. The guards tend to come from poor American families for whom the military was really the only option at drawing an honest wage – but who’s complaining when they get stationed at exotic spots like Cuba?

The guards are very attentive of the welfare of the guests and are armed with all the latest in defensive weapons to guarantee your safety. They tend to be men of few words but every now and then they’ll invite you in for a little chat and play their favourite game – 20 questions!

They’ll ask you all kinds of trick questions like ‘Do you know where Osama Bin Laden is hiding?’ and ‘For how long have you been a member of Al Qaeda?’- it’s up to you to give nothing away, no matter how hot things get. The guards are known for getting carried away with themselves during these game sessions and frequently show their excitement with an affectionate knee to the groin – but at the end of the day there’s never any hard feelings.

The guests themselves are a cosmopolitan bunch and you’ll find yourself in close quarters with men from outlandish places like Syria, Saudi Arabia, the Yemen, Afghanistan, Pakistan and plenty more – there were even a few Brits who compared Guantanamo favourably to their usual vacation spot in Spain.

The guests at Guantanamo are seasoned veterans of many a holiday camp run by the same generous America organisers – Abu Ghraib in Iraq and Bagram air base in Afghanistan to name just two. They tend to like to keep to themselves in their own private chalets – or cages, as the case might be – but provided your Arabic, Peshtun or Urdu is up to scratch, you’ll be able to have the occasional joke at the expense of the guards. How about this for starters?

How many Guantanamo guards does it take to change a lightbulb?
5! 4 to pepper spray you and hold you down with your nose in the dust, and one to change the bulb in your cell.

Well, we’re sure you’ll be able to improve on that.

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