Road Junky financial advice is as sound as ever, a rock of sagacity in uncertain times.
The markets are shaking, mortgage repayments are hitting the roof and fears of the greatest world recession since… the last one… are sending Wall Street, the Ftse and the Tckle into panic. Shares are being sold, companies going to the ground, people losing their jobs and oh god, there’s still a week to go until the US presidential election – any chance both candidates will go broke first?
So as we fondly imagine our target audience here at Road Junky to be charter bankers, brokers and venture capitalists who like to put on a bit of tie dye and hoist a backpack around once in a while, we feel it’s our duty to offer a little financial advice. Here are 10 ideas for the smart investor to stash his or her cash:
Let’s face it, drugs are never going to go out of fashion. They’re just too much fun. Even during the Great Depression alcohol was a boom market in the US. Now that the Napoli mafia have driven down coke prices the obnoxious white powder is becoming an affordable drug for more Europeans.
And heroin, well, it’s never been more chic and has lost none of its legendary walking dead appeal…
When the going gets tough, the tough declare war on someone smaller than themselves. Following the example of the US and Russia, there are countries all over the world just itching to invade someone. Landmines, automatic weapons, torture equipment – it’s all sold by important Western companies, why shouldn’t you get in on the action?
3. Sweat Shops
Now that China has become the factory of the world and opened up to foreign investment, $1000 should be enough to help you set up shop with some indentured labour. Allow no bathroom breaks, pay the children starvation wages and fine and fire anyone who complains.
4. Online Worlds
It may be pure escapism but the online markets are looking a good deal more secure than those in the real world. Buy yourself some World of Warcraft gold or a bit of hot coastal property in Second Life. 20 years from now you’ll be able to trade it in for options at the virtual brothel.
5. Banana Orchards
Money may not grow on trees but bananas do. Buy your own banana orchard and be sure of a nutritious meal every day. Just make sure to sleep with a big stick by your side to scare the monkeys away.
6. Buddhist Temples
The really long-term investor needs to look beyond this mortal coil and into… the next life! Reincarnation may seem a risky prospect, being unproved and all, but reconstructing a Buddhist temple in Laos or someplace could sure help your karma in case the rice-eaters do have it right.
People will always want to have sex. Look at the figures – they’ve been doing it for millions of years (or 6000 if you happen to believe that the first porn act was between two stars called Adam and Eve with a mischievous serpent). Think xxx sites, go-go clubs and even contraception devices – for sure, no one can afford kids any more.
8. A Horse
With the price of oil going through the roof and alternative technologies a risky bet, there’s never been a better time to invest in a horse. It only needs grass as fuel, needs no paint job and parking is a cinch.
9. A Yurt
With mortgage rates soaring, it’s time to buy or build your own tipi or yurt and never pay rent or monthly payments again. For around $3000 you can get your own traditional structure, set up your stove inside and wait for the end of the world.
The talk of the markets has been all about an upstart travel guide called http://www.roadjunky.com which has seen a stunning 50% increase in traffic in the last month alone. Investors are scrambling over each other to buy out the original founders, Jim Klee and Tom Thumb.
‘We would never sell out,’ Thumb told reporters from the FT last week, Unless, you know, they offered us enough money.’