Bolivian legend Carlos Quantos enters the Yosemite Valley armed only with the Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer and ascends the fabled Vogelsang Peak.
Vogelsang Mountain High Life
Somewhere high in the mountains under a curtain of doom, I embarked on a journey of mythological proportions. This journey would prove to be a test of the absolute limits of human endurance as well as of a new razor known as the Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer. Simply based on its name and appearance I knew this item was unlike any other razor I had ever seen before. I also knew that a razor of this magnitude could not be properly tested under normal household conditions. So I hiked deep into the remote backcountry of Yosemite National Park on a multi-day trek through some of the most rugged and majestic terrain on earth. It was here that I not only tested the capabilities of this new product but I also found salvation from my own internal psychological conflagrations.
Heading into the mountains with a clean shave and a hop in my step, there was a certain care-free atmosphere surrounding this particular hiking excursion. Chipmunks scurried through the forest and butterflies fluttered amongst the flowers in a colorful stream of serenity. This feeling, however, was quickly lost as I was engulfed in life and death struggles that pitted me against the wilderness.
The foremost goal of my life was to ascend the fabled Vogelsang Peak – a task that I knew was no small feat. Yet, it was the burning desire of my great-great grandfather – William Tecumsah Jeremiah Vogelsang. Armed with such a magnificent razor I knew I could not fail.
Distracted by my unbridled excitement to try out this product as soon as possible, I mistakenly rushed into the wild with no food or gear whatsoever. After about 49 miles of non-stop hiking, I felt that I was far enough from the multitude of corporate micro-managers that consistently impose their small-minded yet bottom-line oriented wills upon me. It was here that the Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer came to show its true colors.
Night was falling as I rested my strained knee ligaments and soothed my revolting puss-filled blisters upon a moss-covered log near the Merced River. Suddenly, I was encircled by a pack of vicious wolverines. I knew what a horrific battle I was in for – rapid strikes to the face, attempted slashing of the jugular vein, repeated bites to the groin area. At the very moment when I thought all was lost and these crazed mustelids were ready to seal my fate I remembered my Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer.
Quickly I unveiled the shaver and began wielding it with the virtuosity of a rabid, testosterone-fueled Olympian, which is probably a bad example in this case, but it worked. Mimicking the terrible beasts I kept them at bay with long slicing arcs of the razor. Before long the 4 scintillating blades on this shaver frightened the hard-core bastards back to their underground lairs deep in the Cascade Mountains. Perhaps there was more than meets the eye to this razor. It packs a big-time ballsiness not found in lesser implements.
The next morning with Vogelsang peak and my ancestor’s dream still in mind I continued on this fantastic, phantasmagorical trail. I experienced moments of sheer bliss interspersed with moments of abject fear and loathing in Yosemite. Rounding a boulder at the top of a mountain ridge near a vertical drop of roughly 2,212.82 feet, I encountered a huge, gargantuan, maybe even mondo, black bear that I estimate weighed between 40 and 50 pounds. I froze in my tracks, terrified, but then immediately lost control of all motor skills, causing me to tumble head-first over the precipice. As I slid down the escarpment my mind raced.
Would I ever survive this ordeal? Would I ever see my family again? Would the Jim Nabors Fan Club ever grant me a free trial membership?
Instinctively as I fell I reached deep into the pocket of my cherry red ‘Members Only’ leather jacket and summoned the power of the Schick Quattro. Remembering the trimmer mode and its ability to operate on full-throttle all night long I dug that sucker into the granite slope carving out a safety stop at the last second, slowing my free-fall. I was then able to resume hiking at a considerably lower elevation, albeit with severe abrasions and lacerations over 99.9% of my body. Once again the Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer had proved its mettle under the most rigorous conditions.
Despite these trials and tribulations, I was more determined than ever to scale the famed Vogelsang Peak. But as I mournfully hiked passed the numerous human carcasses and fallen Aztec warriors that failed to achieve greatness by reaching the peak, I began to have second-thoughts. Could I make it? Could anyone stop the insanity? Is there maybe a McDonald’s at the top? These questions were quickly erased from my mind by what I saw next – some careless mountain climber left their used underpants in the middle of the trail! For the love of god and all held sacred, this sight pushed my willpower to the limit. It could not be overcome by simple mind relaxation techniques or even years of psychiatric medication – I needed the Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer.
Buzzing in a flurry of self-immolation and unwavering mental concentration I attempted to slice through this grotesque obstacle with my newest and closest ally. Whirling through the crisp, clean mountain air with the fluidity of a Samurai warrior from Norway, my new found savior did the trick. The Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer eviscerated that human-excrement tainted loincloth with the greatest of ease. The path was clear. It was up to me alone, the Bolivian Lieutenant General Assistant Vice President in Arms – Carlos Quantos – a man wrapped in an enigma covered by a mystery enveloped by an enchilada, to reach the infamous Vogelsang Peak.
I steeled myself for the ascent as I observed the sheer slope of the mountain’s granite walls. Having now been in the backcountry for 28 days straight with no food or water or human contact, it felt as if the heavens above even had turned against me. I had no choice but to climb the sadistic yet highly scenic Vogelsang Peak hand over fist, scraping my knuckles against pure, unadulterated rock as I struggled for every single, solitary centimeter of stone. Rain poured down so heavy my head ached, probably because the rain was actually baseball-sized hail. Lightning flashed and thunder roared in a rage so violent several nearby vultures defecated on themselves. I desperately tried to hold on for dear life. My grip suddenly, but quite predictably, loosened and I dangled tenuously by only my chin from a 6,000 foot vertical peak, blood pouring from my previous wounds, and those god-forsaken vultures taunted me with their ever-present superiority complexes. But I would not allow this to be my fate!
Stranded, dangling, and trapped in the most intense weather event ever before experienced I broke out the Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer. I began to shave my month old beard while fending off vultures who were now attempting to pluck my eyeballs out. However on this fateful day, the gods of shaving revolted. Just as the biggest, baddest vulture in recorded history – in fact it was a California Condor with a wingspan in excess of 18 feet – swooped down to pluck my remaining eyeball from its socket, a true miracle occurred. Lightning directly struck my Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer as I pointed it skyward causing it to go into super quattro overboard mad max beyond thunderdome overdrive mode – electrocuting the swarm of rapacious vultures closing in on me. Simultaneously, I was hurtled above the ledge my chin was perched upon miraculously landing on my feet.
It was then I scrambled to the very summit of Vogelsang Peak and proceeded to leisurely finish shaving despite the howling 90 mile per hour winds. My life’s goal had finally come to fruition and to top it off my face was now as smooth as a new born baby’s bottom on acid on a hot summer day in January. Utterly exhausted yet somehow rejuvenated, I unleashed an ungodly primal scream audible for several hundred kilometers that must have violated every noise ordinance in the state. I launched the almighty Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer into the abysmal depths of the valley below. Then I climbed down, found my shaver unscathed, picked it up and went home.